In my own experience as a large woman I’ve definitely dealt with big
self esteem issues surrounding my body and men viewing me as beautiful. Funny
how those self esteem issues started long before I ever got big.
Having a thyroid condition and having children was not conducive to a
healthy body, nor was the deep unhappiness I lived inside of while I was
married to a man struggling with his own demons. I was no longer the beautiful
17 year old teenage girl he’d fallen in love with, I was now a large angry 375
pound mother and wife.
When the only man you’ve ever been with tells you he’s no
longer sexually attracted to you it definitely hurts your ego. And I went out
to prove to myself later that he was wrong.
I’ve heard things from men, like how much easier a large woman is to
get into bed, or how much more giving a big woman is in bed, or just plainly
how men prefer a woman with curves, something to hold on to, something soft to
cuddle up too. I’ve also seen how very insecure men will go for a bigger woman
because she’s deeply insecure in herself and that makes the man feel safer. I cannot leave out the fact that some men are
just plain and simply attracted to bigger women. I’ve never personally
understood this, but there it is.
Through this phase of my dating career I’d talked to men online who
make it clear they wanted a fat woman, and if I lost weight that would be a
deal breaker. UGH! Staying large is unhealthy for me, why would I ever agree to
that?
Being larger I definitely felt like I had to take what I was offered
in the way of a man being attracted to me, and ended up settling for a man who
was completely wrong at so many levels, but I was grateful and relieved to have
someone in my life who was tall and handsome, physically fit and I was definitely
attracted to him, so I was willing to settle even though red flags were
bombarding me left and right. I was relieved to be out of the dating world once
again after a year of being divorced.
For 5 years, for many reasons I tolerated a relationship of dominance,
control, and fear. I felt like I constantly had to defend myself against the
accusations that I was going to cheat, or had smiled at a man wrong, or heaven
forbid given a male friend a hug. I weighed at one point during this
relationship 427 pounds, probably not very many men checking me out at that
time! Eventually I looked at myself in the mirror one day and my eyes had no
spark, no zest for life, I looked ugly to myself. I realized this relationship was
killing me, and I left.
I was fortunate to meet a very kind man shortly after that, we were in
a class together and he was like balm in many ways to the negative feelings and
lack of trust I felt towards men at this time. The relationship lasted 4 months
and I then ended that one as well. I understood that I needed some healing time
for myself, and took myself out of the dating world for a while, for close to 2
years actually.
I made a dear friend a promise when I started to date again last
April. I promised that I’d only date men, that I’d not have sex with them, that
I’d not dive into a serious relationship with any of them, and that I’d take
the time to do something I’d never done before, and that is go out on real
dates.
It’s actually surprised me how many men I’ve gone out with, and a few
of them two and three times each. I’ve been able to see that I’ve made a much
bigger issue of my body weight than many men make of it, and I’ve also been
getting feedback from these men about how wonderful and beautiful of a woman
they think I am. My big caring heart, my compassion and kindness, my beautiful
eyes and hair, and they are sexually attracted to me as well. I’ve felt like
men just want the Playboy centerfold image of a woman, but no… they want real,
not superficial or fake. At least the men that are old enough to know better. It’s
been pretty validating to experience this. I’ve remained celibate through many
interactions and there are times I wish I’d have let myself be intimate with
them, but I don’t want to mistake the feelings that come from shared intimacy
for love, or fall down that rabbit hole and think I’m in love when it’s an oxytocin
related high created from physical intimacy.
I’ve debated with myself while I’m on my weight releasing journey on
whether I would want to date being that I’m not where I want to be, and I’ve
come to the conclusion that I create my happiness right now, and I’m not going
to postpone the enjoyment of connecting with another human being simply because
my body is bigger than what society tells me is acceptable.
There are a lot of haters out there, but there are also a lot of
lovers; human beings who realize they fall short at times and are not as judgmental
if you fall short. There are men who want quality over a particular look or
image. It is nice to know there are more of you out there than I’d originally
believed.
Here’s to good health in every aspect of our lives!
