Dating as a Fat Woman

In my own experience as a large woman I’ve definitely dealt with big self esteem issues surrounding my body and men viewing me as beautiful. Funny how those self esteem issues started long before I ever got big.

Having a thyroid condition and having children was not conducive to a healthy body, nor was the deep unhappiness I lived inside of while I was married to a man struggling with his own demons. I was no longer the beautiful 17 year old teenage girl he’d fallen in love with, I was now a large angry 375 pound mother and wife. 

When the only man you’ve ever been with tells you he’s no longer sexually attracted to you it definitely hurts your ego. And I went out to prove to myself later that he was wrong.

I’ve heard things from men, like how much easier a large woman is to get into bed, or how much more giving a big woman is in bed, or just plainly how men prefer a woman with curves, something to hold on to, something soft to cuddle up too. I’ve also seen how very insecure men will go for a bigger woman because she’s deeply insecure in herself and that makes the man feel safer.  I cannot leave out the fact that some men are just plain and simply attracted to bigger women. I’ve never personally understood this, but there it is.

Through this phase of my dating career I’d talked to men online who make it clear they wanted a fat woman, and if I lost weight that would be a deal breaker. UGH! Staying large is unhealthy for me, why would I ever agree to that?

Being larger I definitely felt like I had to take what I was offered in the way of a man being attracted to me, and ended up settling for a man who was completely wrong at so many levels, but I was grateful and relieved to have someone in my life who was tall and handsome, physically fit and I was definitely attracted to him, so I was willing to settle even though red flags were bombarding me left and right. I was relieved to be out of the dating world once again after a year of being divorced.

For 5 years, for many reasons I tolerated a relationship of dominance, control, and fear. I felt like I constantly had to defend myself against the accusations that I was going to cheat, or had smiled at a man wrong, or heaven forbid given a male friend a hug. I weighed at one point during this relationship 427 pounds, probably not very many men checking me out at that time! Eventually I looked at myself in the mirror one day and my eyes had no spark, no zest for life, I looked ugly to myself. I realized this relationship was killing me, and I left.

I was fortunate to meet a very kind man shortly after that, we were in a class together and he was like balm in many ways to the negative feelings and lack of trust I felt towards men at this time. The relationship lasted 4 months and I then ended that one as well. I understood that I needed some healing time for myself, and took myself out of the dating world for a while, for close to 2 years actually.

I made a dear friend a promise when I started to date again last April. I promised that I’d only date men, that I’d not have sex with them, that I’d not dive into a serious relationship with any of them, and that I’d take the time to do something I’d never done before, and that is go out on real dates.

It’s actually surprised me how many men I’ve gone out with, and a few of them two and three times each. I’ve been able to see that I’ve made a much bigger issue of my body weight than many men make of it, and I’ve also been getting feedback from these men about how wonderful and beautiful of a woman they think I am. My big caring heart, my compassion and kindness, my beautiful eyes and hair, and they are sexually attracted to me as well. I’ve felt like men just want the Playboy centerfold image of a woman, but no… they want real, not superficial or fake. At least the men that are old enough to know better. It’s been pretty validating to experience this. I’ve remained celibate through many interactions and there are times I wish I’d have let myself be intimate with them, but I don’t want to mistake the feelings that come from shared intimacy for love, or fall down that rabbit hole and think I’m in love when it’s an oxytocin related high created from physical intimacy.

I’ve debated with myself while I’m on my weight releasing journey on whether I would want to date being that I’m not where I want to be, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I create my happiness right now, and I’m not going to postpone the enjoyment of connecting with another human being simply because my body is bigger than what society tells me is acceptable.

There are a lot of haters out there, but there are also a lot of lovers; human beings who realize they fall short at times and are not as judgmental if you fall short. There are men who want quality over a particular look or image. It is nice to know there are more of you out there than I’d originally believed. 

Here’s to good health in every aspect of our lives!

What Happened to the Master Cleanse???

Well… I didn’t do it.  

I had a really stressful month and realized that a cleanse like this was more than I could handle. The good news is that I completed all my test and finals and passed everything! One part of my year long journey is complete.  

The thing people don’t realize is how hard doing massages is on a body that has 225 pounds to release. I must be hella strong because I can do a 3 hour shift of massage clinicals at my school and my back doesn’t hurt too much. It does make me feel pretty tired at times, but like anything physical, you eventually build up endurance.  

I have started something new this past week, and am already seeing amazing results. I will be posting a whole lot more about it in the future. I’m hoping this is my health miracle. 20 years holding onto my fat storage is far too long. It’s time to really live and feel good in my body again.

Master Cleanse Day 1

Word to the wise, if you're going to take on doing the Master Cleanse... make sure the left over pasta dish is disposed of.

First day of cleansing and I cheated on my cleanse. This is hard. What I've learned today about cleansing is that my stomach feels happy for only 25% of the day, the rest of the day it's hungry! Other learned wisdom from today... don't ever let myself get hungry and drink a lot more water. I was doing okay all things considered through most of today, however I don't think I drank enough lemonade earlier in the day or water for that matter, and I'm thinking this has partially contributed to my mind locking in and fixating on the left over pasta container when I opened the fridge earlier this evening. It's like my brain obsessed about it until I finally talked myself into eating it. I could actually envision how it was going to taste. NOT GOOD!!!

Well... at least it was the first day of the cleanse and not day two or three, the bad news is that I now am going to have to start over tomorrow.  Still, working on not beating myself up hardcore over this, and realize that I've learned some good things about this cleanse today and I will handle it differently tomorrow.

I'm dreading the salt water flush tomorrow morning, but we'll see how that goes! The other thing I am not enjoying is the aftertaste of cayenne pepper that is emanating up from my stomach and can taste in the back of my throat every time I exhale.

Also if you decide to cleanse make sure you read up on what you should do to prep for the cleanse, I didn't do this and for the past 5 days my friend and I had the attitude that we would eat whatever we wanted to before starting our cleanse, that's a big no-no and not smart, you need to ease yourself into this 3 days before beginning your cleanse. Lesson learned!

Starting weight of cleanse: 390

Another lesson learned... pasta carbs are NOT my friend in any way shape or form EVER!!! I put 4 pounds back on eating the pasta dishes I wanted this past week. And I did not feel well in my body at all. I've learned that I really love juicing, it's amazing how much better I feel when I juice every morning. 

Tomorrow's a new day and, WOW I really take my hat off to others who can do this cleanse, I will  NOT give up. 

Sugar Porn

Awwwwww SUGAR!!! Ever since I was little I remember loving you... in the form of Starbursts and taffy, chocolate chip cookies, and cake, especially frosting... nothing tasted better than the burst of sweet in my mouth. Milky Way bars, M&M's, Twinkies, Zingers, Hostess Cupcakes and ooooh the fruit pies! Tootsie Pops, Skittles, Butterfingers, oh and did I mention sugar cookies with almond butter cream frosting, maple bars, butter milk bars and old fashioned doughnuts? And then I learned to love pie, éclairs, cream puffs, Danish, and hand dipped chocolates with their creamy fruity centers... and then there were the things that turned to sugars quickly when eaten, pasta, home baked bread slathered in butter and honey, and then there are the home made rolls and, then I learned to cook and bake and make cream sauces infused with white wine, and it's like sugar porn as I type it all out. And then in my early 20's I began looking like a cream puff, the saying, "you are what you eat" definitely started to apply!

These have been my weaknesses with food. What is it about these things that I would go out of my way to eat, to spend money on, time baking, and worse yet... pollute all the cells in my body with? Sometimes I've found myself being angry at my body... complaining that why can't I eat the things I love, other people do and don't get fat. Perhaps I've eaten more of those things than others have, perhaps my body just reacts differently than others, whatever the case may be, my body... I have not been loving and nourishing you the way you deserve.

Through experimentation in diets and seeing what works for my body and what doesn't in the world of retaining weight and releasing it, I am fully aware that to reach my goals I will have to give up the food porn. I've read the Wheat Belly book by William Davis and realize that it's more than sugar, because most of the sugary treats I've loved and consumed with great enjoyment have been full of wheat gluten as well.  I now notice even more how much my body bloats up, and reacts when I consume these things that I seem to worship so much, it feels like an addiction, when you obsess about eating a food, or baking a food, and then consume it, and are left feeling guilty and ashamed that you consumed that thing you wanted so desperately, that thing you craved beyond reason... that's when I realized I have a problem.

I've been really hard on myself at times about these cravings... here's what I know so far. I am more successful losing my weight when I give up the gluten and sugar cold turkey; however the cycle I've been in with myself is that there are periods of time when I do really well and start dropping pounds on the scale and I'm feeling really good about myself and I thing YES I can do this! And then I cheat, and at the time I think well, it's only a little bit and a little bit won't hurt me and then I cheat more, and the cravings come back again and before I know it I've started gaining more weight. This is exactly what happened to me this Christmas, and exactly how I gained 15 pounds.

Watching the scale go up like that was completely disheartening. I wasn't exactly binging or over eating the treats I created for everyone, but I was eating some of them every day and the weight gain was the result.  Feeling even more desperate when the scale read 392 I had to get a grip on myself and I thought back to a particular diet plan that I dropped weight doing out of The 4 Hour Body book by Timothy Ferriss.  

What worked for me was that it helped me lose pounds, but what didn't work for me was that one day a week you could cheat and eat whatever you wanted to eat. I had the most challenging time after the binge day, going back onto the diet plan of no carbs but veggies for the rest of the week. Ultimately I lasted all of 2 weeks following that diet. Knowing this works, I put myself back on this diet but have modified it a little bit. And over the past 5 days I've gone from weighing 392 pounds to 386 pounds.

What have I been doing these past 5 days?

1. Juicing for breakfast,(my juice consists of spinach, apples, lemon, carrots, celery, clementines, or oranges, and grapefruit) followed up by eggs a little bit later on 2 of the days, and I made an omelet with cheese another day. Ideally I'd remove all of the dairy according to Timothy Ferris and many others and research I've read, however, while I continue to release weight and this works for me, I will follow this for now.

2. Eating soup with a chicken broth base loaded with chicken, beans, chopped veggies and various spices. And I even consumed to bowl fulls of soup, I eat til I'm satisfied that I won't be hungry after 7 p.m. and want to munch. I don't bother with calorie counting any of this.

3. Eliminated all corn chips, breads, rolls, etc...

4. Only drinking water. That's it, nothing but water.

5. When the sugar cravings got too hard to bear and I really couldn't resist, I allowed myself to have ONE and only ONE binge moment during the day. What this looked like is that I actually had a Maple Bar after donating plasma several days ago. And yesterday I did have a piece of birthday cake I'd put in the freezer left over from my son's birthday.  AND I'm not allowing myself to bake anything at all until my son's birthday on March 17th. Baking my own treats is a huge weakness and I've forbidden myself to do any of it, because that's the biggest way I sabotage myself I've discovered.

6. I have some organic vegetable based protein shake powder I bought at Costco which I'm  going to try, according to Timothy Ferris 20 grams of protein with each meal is highly important, he really stresses eggs, beans, and spinach, (lots and lots of spinach) in his book. It's definitely worth reading!

So here is what I know about myself today... going cold turkey off certain things works and doesn't work for me. In a way it feels like a mind f#%k what I'm dealing with inside my head and body and chemistry, right now giving myself permission when the cravings get strong is working and I'm releasing, baking doesn't work and should only be used for birthdays for my kids right now, no more holiday baking this year. When Christmas comes around I'll reevaluate, but sorry Valentine's Day, there will be no sugar cookies with almond butter cream frosting (sigh), sorry friends when you have your birthday I won't bring you any gourmet cupcakes... and that's just what's so. Here is what I also understand, there is no quick fix, no pill or diet plan that's going to make it all go away and I'm going to have my challenges, however my intention is clear, my goal is set, and I'm open to evaluating, experimenting with, and trying healthy plans to give my body a healthier weight to live at. 

The Problem With Food

    The problem with food is that it tastes so good! Nope, wrong answer! The problem with food is all the poison and modifications that it goes through before it reaches the grocery store shelf.

    This subject could be a book in and of itself, and I'm the first to admit that I'm not nearly as knowledgeable as I would like to be; however when I read articles like this one by Martha Rosenberg called 5 Shocking Reasons Why Americans Are Getting Fatter, I get even more frustrated that we have an FDA that continues to allow our citizens to be poisoned in the name of profit. They ban our beef in other countries people, this should tell you something, right?

    You can read Martha's article by clicking the link below.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/13/5_shocking_reasons_why_americans_are_getting_fatter_partner/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Wrong Direction, Scale!!!

Wrong direction scale!

Okay so this morning I weighed in at 390 pounds. I put on 10 around Christmas and now we're mid January and 5 more pounds this morning, this isn't working!!! I have to ban myself from baking anything with sugar and gluten. I know this and yet will let myself off the hook thinking that it's okay because someone is  coming over for lunch or whatever, and that's just become unacceptable because I cannot NOT eat my own baking. This SUCKS! It's been over 3 years since I've been this high in my weight and I'm not going to let it stick around. I can feel it in my low back with the increased amount of pain I'm experiencing, my stomach feels more bloated and my pants are definitely feeling tighter.

What is it about baking that makes me feel so satisfied in the moment and then of course have so much regret about it later? I've always loved baking... I always loved my mom's baking as well. I'd come home from school to the tantalizing scent of freshly baked homemade bread, or chocolate chip cookies. No one baked as well as my mother did, and I've since earned my own reputation amongst my friends and family as being very skilled in this area, to the point that some have suggested I should have my own bakery. Who are we kidding, me and my own bakery? I'd balloon up even bigger! I've had thoughts about how great it would be to have a healthy bakery, using Almond Flour and Coconut Flour and Xylitol and Stevia, but the reality is everything has calories, and I truly do need to choose carefully each day and make mine count nutritionally because my body likes to store it all as fat it seems.

It's interesting as well to observe that for this whole past year I'd held a steady weight of 375 pounds give or take a few, but when Thanksgiving and Christmas hit this year and I baked like I normally do for those holidays that my body decided to put weight on this year. Not only that, but it has seemed even harder to get my body to stop craving the carbs and feel satisfied and not hungry. I haven't felt really hungry like this in quite a few years. I have heard that certain foods will make you want to eat more whereas others will satisfy. After reading the Wheat Belly book this makes me think that even now more than ever I need to eliminate that hunger causing gluten out of my own cooking.

Okay... rant complete. I promised myself to be honest in this blog... sharing about my weight gain wasn't easy to do, my hope is that by being accountable here, and brutally honest, that it will help me get a grip on my 20 year battle with the numbers on the scale. 

Sugar Jitters

That feeling you have that you just need something sweet and carby, and you've emptied your house of the bad food (you thought) from the holidays, and yet you're just jonesing for a hit of something.... and then you feel relieved because you found enough white flour left over to bake up that pumpkin cinnamon coffee cake with enough powdered sugar and butter left to make a gooey sweet frosting for the finishing touch... well yeah... it's not the first time I've done this to myself.

This was me all last week, and it's been me many times in the past years as I come down off of the sugar and gluten overload that my brain seems especially addicted to. This was true again as usual, and I started doing something different to combat it this time. I actually had to force myself to eat or rather drink fruit. My friend loaned me his juicer and so I took a lemon, some clementines, and several apples into a meal once a day for the past 3 days, and surprisingly while I was grocery shopping yesterday I found myself not wanting any of the sugary things I'd been craving all last week, instead I was drawn to the produce section of the store and the thought hit me... my goal to lose 10 pounds a month, and at this time next year I could actually have released 120 pounds,  and for the first time that I can even remember I visualized what that would feel like in my mind, what that would feel like to live in that body instead of this heavier body, and I lit up and got very excited!!!

Now the planning of how to make that vision my reality begins!