Sugar Porn

Awwwwww SUGAR!!! Ever since I was little I remember loving you... in the form of Starbursts and taffy, chocolate chip cookies, and cake, especially frosting... nothing tasted better than the burst of sweet in my mouth. Milky Way bars, M&M's, Twinkies, Zingers, Hostess Cupcakes and ooooh the fruit pies! Tootsie Pops, Skittles, Butterfingers, oh and did I mention sugar cookies with almond butter cream frosting, maple bars, butter milk bars and old fashioned doughnuts? And then I learned to love pie, éclairs, cream puffs, Danish, and hand dipped chocolates with their creamy fruity centers... and then there were the things that turned to sugars quickly when eaten, pasta, home baked bread slathered in butter and honey, and then there are the home made rolls and, then I learned to cook and bake and make cream sauces infused with white wine, and it's like sugar porn as I type it all out. And then in my early 20's I began looking like a cream puff, the saying, "you are what you eat" definitely started to apply!

These have been my weaknesses with food. What is it about these things that I would go out of my way to eat, to spend money on, time baking, and worse yet... pollute all the cells in my body with? Sometimes I've found myself being angry at my body... complaining that why can't I eat the things I love, other people do and don't get fat. Perhaps I've eaten more of those things than others have, perhaps my body just reacts differently than others, whatever the case may be, my body... I have not been loving and nourishing you the way you deserve.

Through experimentation in diets and seeing what works for my body and what doesn't in the world of retaining weight and releasing it, I am fully aware that to reach my goals I will have to give up the food porn. I've read the Wheat Belly book by William Davis and realize that it's more than sugar, because most of the sugary treats I've loved and consumed with great enjoyment have been full of wheat gluten as well.  I now notice even more how much my body bloats up, and reacts when I consume these things that I seem to worship so much, it feels like an addiction, when you obsess about eating a food, or baking a food, and then consume it, and are left feeling guilty and ashamed that you consumed that thing you wanted so desperately, that thing you craved beyond reason... that's when I realized I have a problem.

I've been really hard on myself at times about these cravings... here's what I know so far. I am more successful losing my weight when I give up the gluten and sugar cold turkey; however the cycle I've been in with myself is that there are periods of time when I do really well and start dropping pounds on the scale and I'm feeling really good about myself and I thing YES I can do this! And then I cheat, and at the time I think well, it's only a little bit and a little bit won't hurt me and then I cheat more, and the cravings come back again and before I know it I've started gaining more weight. This is exactly what happened to me this Christmas, and exactly how I gained 15 pounds.

Watching the scale go up like that was completely disheartening. I wasn't exactly binging or over eating the treats I created for everyone, but I was eating some of them every day and the weight gain was the result.  Feeling even more desperate when the scale read 392 I had to get a grip on myself and I thought back to a particular diet plan that I dropped weight doing out of The 4 Hour Body book by Timothy Ferriss.  

What worked for me was that it helped me lose pounds, but what didn't work for me was that one day a week you could cheat and eat whatever you wanted to eat. I had the most challenging time after the binge day, going back onto the diet plan of no carbs but veggies for the rest of the week. Ultimately I lasted all of 2 weeks following that diet. Knowing this works, I put myself back on this diet but have modified it a little bit. And over the past 5 days I've gone from weighing 392 pounds to 386 pounds.

What have I been doing these past 5 days?

1. Juicing for breakfast,(my juice consists of spinach, apples, lemon, carrots, celery, clementines, or oranges, and grapefruit) followed up by eggs a little bit later on 2 of the days, and I made an omelet with cheese another day. Ideally I'd remove all of the dairy according to Timothy Ferris and many others and research I've read, however, while I continue to release weight and this works for me, I will follow this for now.

2. Eating soup with a chicken broth base loaded with chicken, beans, chopped veggies and various spices. And I even consumed to bowl fulls of soup, I eat til I'm satisfied that I won't be hungry after 7 p.m. and want to munch. I don't bother with calorie counting any of this.

3. Eliminated all corn chips, breads, rolls, etc...

4. Only drinking water. That's it, nothing but water.

5. When the sugar cravings got too hard to bear and I really couldn't resist, I allowed myself to have ONE and only ONE binge moment during the day. What this looked like is that I actually had a Maple Bar after donating plasma several days ago. And yesterday I did have a piece of birthday cake I'd put in the freezer left over from my son's birthday.  AND I'm not allowing myself to bake anything at all until my son's birthday on March 17th. Baking my own treats is a huge weakness and I've forbidden myself to do any of it, because that's the biggest way I sabotage myself I've discovered.

6. I have some organic vegetable based protein shake powder I bought at Costco which I'm  going to try, according to Timothy Ferris 20 grams of protein with each meal is highly important, he really stresses eggs, beans, and spinach, (lots and lots of spinach) in his book. It's definitely worth reading!

So here is what I know about myself today... going cold turkey off certain things works and doesn't work for me. In a way it feels like a mind f#%k what I'm dealing with inside my head and body and chemistry, right now giving myself permission when the cravings get strong is working and I'm releasing, baking doesn't work and should only be used for birthdays for my kids right now, no more holiday baking this year. When Christmas comes around I'll reevaluate, but sorry Valentine's Day, there will be no sugar cookies with almond butter cream frosting (sigh), sorry friends when you have your birthday I won't bring you any gourmet cupcakes... and that's just what's so. Here is what I also understand, there is no quick fix, no pill or diet plan that's going to make it all go away and I'm going to have my challenges, however my intention is clear, my goal is set, and I'm open to evaluating, experimenting with, and trying healthy plans to give my body a healthier weight to live at. 

The Problem With Food

    The problem with food is that it tastes so good! Nope, wrong answer! The problem with food is all the poison and modifications that it goes through before it reaches the grocery store shelf.

    This subject could be a book in and of itself, and I'm the first to admit that I'm not nearly as knowledgeable as I would like to be; however when I read articles like this one by Martha Rosenberg called 5 Shocking Reasons Why Americans Are Getting Fatter, I get even more frustrated that we have an FDA that continues to allow our citizens to be poisoned in the name of profit. They ban our beef in other countries people, this should tell you something, right?

    You can read Martha's article by clicking the link below.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/13/5_shocking_reasons_why_americans_are_getting_fatter_partner/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Wrong Direction, Scale!!!

Wrong direction scale!

Okay so this morning I weighed in at 390 pounds. I put on 10 around Christmas and now we're mid January and 5 more pounds this morning, this isn't working!!! I have to ban myself from baking anything with sugar and gluten. I know this and yet will let myself off the hook thinking that it's okay because someone is  coming over for lunch or whatever, and that's just become unacceptable because I cannot NOT eat my own baking. This SUCKS! It's been over 3 years since I've been this high in my weight and I'm not going to let it stick around. I can feel it in my low back with the increased amount of pain I'm experiencing, my stomach feels more bloated and my pants are definitely feeling tighter.

What is it about baking that makes me feel so satisfied in the moment and then of course have so much regret about it later? I've always loved baking... I always loved my mom's baking as well. I'd come home from school to the tantalizing scent of freshly baked homemade bread, or chocolate chip cookies. No one baked as well as my mother did, and I've since earned my own reputation amongst my friends and family as being very skilled in this area, to the point that some have suggested I should have my own bakery. Who are we kidding, me and my own bakery? I'd balloon up even bigger! I've had thoughts about how great it would be to have a healthy bakery, using Almond Flour and Coconut Flour and Xylitol and Stevia, but the reality is everything has calories, and I truly do need to choose carefully each day and make mine count nutritionally because my body likes to store it all as fat it seems.

It's interesting as well to observe that for this whole past year I'd held a steady weight of 375 pounds give or take a few, but when Thanksgiving and Christmas hit this year and I baked like I normally do for those holidays that my body decided to put weight on this year. Not only that, but it has seemed even harder to get my body to stop craving the carbs and feel satisfied and not hungry. I haven't felt really hungry like this in quite a few years. I have heard that certain foods will make you want to eat more whereas others will satisfy. After reading the Wheat Belly book this makes me think that even now more than ever I need to eliminate that hunger causing gluten out of my own cooking.

Okay... rant complete. I promised myself to be honest in this blog... sharing about my weight gain wasn't easy to do, my hope is that by being accountable here, and brutally honest, that it will help me get a grip on my 20 year battle with the numbers on the scale. 

Sugar Jitters

That feeling you have that you just need something sweet and carby, and you've emptied your house of the bad food (you thought) from the holidays, and yet you're just jonesing for a hit of something.... and then you feel relieved because you found enough white flour left over to bake up that pumpkin cinnamon coffee cake with enough powdered sugar and butter left to make a gooey sweet frosting for the finishing touch... well yeah... it's not the first time I've done this to myself.

This was me all last week, and it's been me many times in the past years as I come down off of the sugar and gluten overload that my brain seems especially addicted to. This was true again as usual, and I started doing something different to combat it this time. I actually had to force myself to eat or rather drink fruit. My friend loaned me his juicer and so I took a lemon, some clementines, and several apples into a meal once a day for the past 3 days, and surprisingly while I was grocery shopping yesterday I found myself not wanting any of the sugary things I'd been craving all last week, instead I was drawn to the produce section of the store and the thought hit me... my goal to lose 10 pounds a month, and at this time next year I could actually have released 120 pounds,  and for the first time that I can even remember I visualized what that would feel like in my mind, what that would feel like to live in that body instead of this heavier body, and I lit up and got very excited!!!

Now the planning of how to make that vision my reality begins! 

2015 The Year of Karina

     It always surprises me the thoughts that bounce around in my head, and then when I'm speaking to someone and those thoughts turn into spoken words, and then how powerful those words can become.

     This morning in the shower I was pondering the state of my singleness... I've had a man in my life, or multiple men in my life during the year between my divorce and my next long term relationship since I was 16 years old and my parents allowed me to start dating. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I had some guy I was crushing on. 

In fact my fascination with boys goes as far back as 5 years old, kindergarten was the first year I remember feeling interested in a particular boy named Matt, and each year it seemed to turn into an infatuation with one boy or another. 

     My goals in life seemed to center around being with a man. And I have to wonder WHY they never centered around ME? Around accomplishing things that would contribute to me being productive, healthy, and successful as an individual, as a woman, and a provider for myself? Why was that relationship more important than everything else?

     This afternoon I was chatting with a close friend of mine named Aaron, well all through last year we would talk on the phone across the country from each other and considered being more than friends, it didn't work out that way for us, but we're still really good friends; and I said to Aaron that I realized that all through last year my focus was on him, and I called it "2014 the Year of Aaron", and the year before that in "2013 was the year of Scott, and Bill" and the years before that were multiple years of Scott and the years preceding that were years of my former spouse.

     I then declared that 2015 is the Year of Karina! Being in relationships, focusing my energy on getting to know men, it takes a lot of focus and energy away from the most important person right now, and that's ME. If that occurs as selfish, then oh well, but I don't feel it's selfish to focus on my own health, and career, and building myself up, working with my body will take focus, dedication, and a lot of energy. Spending time dating, and worrying about if a man likes me or not, will be okay with my weight or not, and worrying about if I'll be okay with who he is in life or not, well... I have more important things to do this year! Yes... 2015 is about me. 

The Road So Far

It's been a bumpy ride, there is no doubt that I've had my own set of highs and lows in my own life, as I know we all do. It seems to me that we all are given our own set of trials in this life. We all have our own set of problems, and yet at times we meet others, or in this case read about another person who we can really identify with and connect with through their own story. 

Why a blog? I believe we are prompted to do something at times, and twice now I've had a strong impression that I needed to share my journey, create accountability with myself and with the world, because if I keep hiding out and keep quietly to myself, that I may never win this war with my blubber. I know I shouldn't look at it that way, but it feels like this is the true fight of my life, the biggest test of my strength and my ability to conquer my addictions, passions, weaknesses, and have the kind of healthy body that I long for.  And if I'm really lucky I'll not only help myself with this blog, but make a difference for someone else as well.

A New Year, A New Me!

Happy 2015!

A new year and new possibilities are here for us all. For me, this year is the mark of a fresh beginning. I'm not quite sure why we all have so much hope as we say goodbye to the  year that has just ended based on the date on a calendar; however while I ponder the significance, or lack of significance of that topic, I'll definitely take this time to write down my three goals for myself in the year of 2015.

1. Release 10 pounds a month for the next 12 months. Total weight loss = 120 pounds in this new calendar year!

2. Almost done with school, and I will need to take my licensing exam through the state to get my Massage Therapy License! Wahoooo!!! I'm so excited about this!

3. Financial changes are needed, and this is the year I'm turning it around for myself financially!

Lets do this!!!